


Devastating the Obvious

by BryceWrites



Series: Broken Measures [3]
Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Abuse, Bad Jokes, Clowns, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 02:22:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4245849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BryceWrites/pseuds/BryceWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Jax looking a lot like the ex that abused her, Kelsi is having a hard time being around him. He's giving her flashbacks she doesn't want and nightmares to wake her from a dead sleep. But what happens when he tries to make it easier on her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Devastating the Obvious

**Author's Note:**

> Rated M for language and Trigger Warning for past abuse.

Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse, I watched the wall holding most of the liquor. The place was all but dead. Jax stood behind the bar, wiping out glasses while Half Sack watched a TV show about car collectors. Half Sack. I’d almost gagged when he’d told me the story of his favorite nickname. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he wore it like a badge of honor. Half Sack, because he was missing half of his sack.

“You alright?” Jax asked.

I looked up at him, over my shot of Jack Daniels. I was only three deep and it’d hardly made a dent in my mood. I nodded, sipping the shot. It’d been almost three weeks since the guys had found Danny. I didn’t know what had happened to him and I didn’t want to, I just appreciated the fact he was gone and out of my life forever.

But I was still broken. I could tell that I was getting better. I didn’t flinch as badly when someone raised their arm, I wasn’t constantly scanning for an exit route. But then there was Jax, who still gave me conflicts inside myself.

His similar appearance to Danny was constantly making me do double takes and I’d almost had a panic attack last week. Outside the clubhouse was a boxing ring the guys liked to take turns in, especially if they’d had a rough week or were really drunk on a Friday night. Jax usually won his matches and it was only very rarely because he was the VP. But Jax and Juice were going at it when Jax nailed Juice square in the jaw, sending Juice to the ground. With sweaty hair and angry eyes, the only thing that had told me, no, this isn’t Danny was the fact he’d then helped Juice up off the mat.

The differences were minor to someone not paying attention, but I could see them. Jax had dark hazel eyes, Danny had bright, piercing blue ones. Danny’s face was pock-marked from years of high school acne and the scars never faded all the way. Jax had a little impression of a scar under his lips, that widened a little every time he smiled. Jax would crack a joke and smile; while I had only ever seen Danny smile a handful of times and he’d always been drunk when it happened.

Every time I thought I was doing better, Jax would move or say something, and I had to honestly consider which situation I was in. Yesterday, he’d thrown a wrench in the garage, just on the other side of the window from the office and in my head, I saw him barging in, pulling me out of the chair and pinning me to the wall, while yelling at me for being a stupid whore. Jax never entered the office, nor did I see the end of his anger, except from the other side of the window.

Jax picked up a bottle of whiskey and put it to his lips, tipping it back and taking a pull. I paused. My mind knew it was Jax, but my memory saw Danny standing there in his suit, fresh home from work. He had pulled the bottle away from his mouth, wiping his lips on the back of his hand.

“Where’s my dinner?” He asked harshly.

“You… you didn’t call when you left work like you normally do. I didn’t-“ I was cut off, his hand around my throat as he pushed me against the closest wall. The fire in his eyes should’ve melted my skin and singed my hair.

“You didn’t make dinner?” He growled, reminding me of the TV shows about wild animals.

“J-just give me a little time-“ I started again before I was being sent sideways into the floor, making my head hit the hardwood.

“You had all fuckin’ day to make dinner, being home by your bitch ass self and there’s no fuckin’ food on the table.” He told me, reaching down to grab a handful of hair.

“I’m sorry.” I cried, tears filling my eyes at the pain.

“Do you know what happens to whores that don’t make dinner for their man?” He growled in my ear, pulling me close to him.

I did. I did know and it almost wrenched a sob out of my throat. I nodded, just barely, as his grip on my hair didn’t allow much more.

“Whores that don’t make dinner get branded, isn’t that right? I guess you’re too stupid to learn the first time.” He told me, moving me into the dining room and forcing me into one of the chairs. He grabbed the duck tape from the hall closet and tried my arms and legs to the chair before heading into the living room, where the fireplace was roaring.

I hung my head, trying to hide my wet face. He didn’t like it when I cried. He didn’t like me making noise at all. So when he came back around the corner with the fireplace poker glowing orange-red at the tip, I bit my lip.

“Stay fuckin’ quiet, or you’re getting another one.” He told me, pressing the poker to the skin on my forearm.

It only burned for a second before I could barely feel it anymore. My brain told me he probably only did this for five seconds, but it felt like ten minutes. My breath left me and I felt like I was going to pass out, biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed.

“Good bitch.” He said from above me somewhere.

“Kelsi?”

I looked up and over to see Jax on the other side of the bar, leaning against it, looking concerned. My fingers were playing with the burnt skin that had healed badly on my forearm. “What’s up?” I asked.

“You zoned out for a while there. Just wanted to make sure you’re alright.” He told me, watching me carefully.

I nodded, smiling a little. In the short time I’d been given with the guys, I’d learned it was easier to cover up my real feelings with a smile then try to explain them and get the ‘broken toy’ look. Juice could see the pain behind my smile, but most of the other guys didn’t call my bluff. “Yeah, I’m good. I just haven’t been sleeping much.” It was true. I’d woken up with nightmares every night this week and once, Juice had to come in and hold me because I was shaking and crying so badly.

“Maybe you should see a doctor.” Jax suggested.

I shook my head. “Nah, never was much for paying somebody a couple hundred bucks to tell me I’m fucked up.” I said, finishing off my shot and tapping the glass before pushing it closer to him.

He raised the bottle, pouring me another before setting it back under the counter. “You know we’re just trying to help, right?”

“Old habits die hard and all that fun stuff.” I said in a low breath, downing the shot in one toss. My family had always had a high tolerance for alcohol, so I had no worries about getting too drunk here. Jax was taking me home anyway.

Jax nodded, flinging a towel over his shoulder. My mind transported me to 4th of July last year, when we’d gone to a barbeque his work was hosting at the local park. It wasn’t a neighborhood gathering like we’d had in Georgia, but it was nice to be around other people. Danny had been in charge of the grill, constantly pulling the towel off his shoulder to wipe his hands and toss it back over his shoulder again.

A child running around had made me drop my plate, one of the dogs at the park coming to clean up the mess. I could still feel how tightly he’d gripped my arm when we’d got out of the car, as he dragged me into the house. The bruise had lasted almost a week and a half. Once he’d closed the door, he threw me away from him, sending me to the floor and clipping my shoulder on the edge of the couch.

“How fucking dare you.” He growled. “How dare you embarrass me like that? And then have the fucking gall to get another plate of food?!” His shoe landed heavily in my ribs, making all my breath leave me in a whoosh. “I give you the ability to eat at a work function and this is how you repay me?” He asked, sending another kick to my stomach.

I leaned towards the floor, coughing and sputtering, feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath.

Fingers snapped in front of me, startling me so bad, I had to catch myself from falling off the barstool. Strong hands closed around my arm and my chest filled with panic until my eyes focused on the fact Jax was trying to save me from my tumble. “Sorry. I don’t know what that was.” I told him, righting myself on the chair so he could let go of me.

“Where do you go when you fuzz out like that?” He asked me quietly.

“Everywhere I don’t want to be.” I told him honestly.

“It’s because I look like him, right?” Jax asked.

“Hey guys. I’m goin’ to bed.” Half Sack called, waving as he headed for the bunk rooms.

“Night.” I told him, before turning back to Jax. I had every intention to avoid his question and play-forget he’d asked it, but he watched me intently. I thought about my answer carefully. “I know you’re not him. You’ve got hazel eyes instead of blue ones and you’ve got that cool scar under your lip.” I said. “But when I’m not paying attention and the light catches you, I panic a little.”

He nodded, like he’d come to the same conclusion. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

“Jax, you saved my life. You and Chibs are literally the reason I’m sitting here.” I told him, setting my hand on his.

“But I look like your psycho ex-boyfriend.” He told me.

“But you look like my psycho ex-boyfriend.” I nodded, looking out across the room.

“You want me to take you home?” He asked.

I nodded. “That’d be nice, thank you.”

He nodded as if to say ‘no problem’ and threw the towel down on the bar, moving towards the main doors leading outside. He got on and kicked the bike to life, and when I was safely seated, he pulled the throttle and we sailed out of the TM parking lot and down the road to Juice’s house. He parked in the driveway and killed the engine to let me off.

“Juice should be back by midnight. If he’s not, give me a call.” He told me.

I nodded. “Thanks for everything, Jax. Even if you do look like my psycho ex-boyfriend.” I told him, cracking a little smile.

The blonde smiled back at me, shaking his head a little. “If he’s not back, call me.” He said, making the bike roar to life and speeding off down the street.

I turned and made my way inside, toeing off my shoes and hanging my jacket on the back of the dining room chair. I sat on the couch, cuddling up with a pillow, wondering how long it’d take Juice. He was out of town with a couple of the other guys at another charter. They were supposed to be back around lunch time, but had called and told us the truck had to be repaired before they could get on the road again.

At 11:40, the motorcycle engine died in the garage and the front door pushed open, revealing the heavy footsteps of an exhausted looking Puerto Rican. “Hey.” I said quietly.

He shuffled over and kind of fell into the couch. “Hey.” He said in the same tone.

“Long drive?” I asked, despite the fact I already knew the answer.

He nodded before looking at me. “You okay?”

I nodded. “I’m just having really bad flashbacks.” I told him honestly, leaning on his shoulder.

He nodded. “Let’s get you to bed.”

I shook my head. “Just lay here and fall asleep. I’ll get you a blanket.”

“I have a perfectly good bed down the hall.” He spoke up.

“But you’re exhausted. I’ll tuck myself in, just kick back.” I told him, untying his shoes so he could kick them off. I stood, going to the hall closet that kept extra bed linens. The fact he even had extra surprised me more than anything.

“You’re too good to me.” Juice said, shrugging out of his cut, which I took from him to hang on the chair, and exchanged it for the blanket.

“You’re better to me.” I told him honestly. But he was already falling fast asleep, his breathing quickly evening out. “Goodnight Juice.” I said quietly, moving back towards my bedroom.

 

* * *

 

I only had one nightmare that evening and it was of Jax attacking me, forcing me to the ground and climbing on top of me, threatening my life. He even had the scar and gray eyes. I’d woken with a start, but I wasn’t screaming or crying, so I marked it as a win.

When I finally crawled out of bed and got clothed enough to move out to the kitchen, I found Juice, shirtless, standing in front of the oven. I stopped moving quietly to watch him for a moment. The morning sun came in through the window, casting him in golden light. He didn’t have socks on his feet either, moving around the room barefooted.

He moved with a kind of grace I admired. Juice, since I’d known him, had been light on his feet, always recovering quickly from topples or stumbles. I had the grace of a rock on the bottom of the ocean; if you pushed me, I just fell over.

It took another moment, but he paused and turned, catching my eyes. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Just now.” I said, shaking my head and ducking my line of sight as I moved closer to him. “What’s for breakfast?”

“Pancake Saturday.” He told me, flipping the flapjack. I had known this before I opened my mouth, but for some reason I kept expecting something else Saturday mornings for breakfast, but Juice was committed to his Pancake Saturdays.

“What kind today?” I asked, leaning around his shoulder to take a whiff.

“Cinnamon and sugar.” He told me.

I nodded. “Sounds good.” I told him, making my way to the coffee pot.

“Jax called already. He wants us at the clubhouse after breakfast.” Juice spoke up.

I turned to him, slightly confused. “He wants both of us at the clubhouse?” Usually, I just ended up at the clubhouse after work, or if I was waiting on Juice. I couldn’t remember ever being invited to the clubhouse.

Juice nodded. “He said he had something to show us.” He commented with a shrug of his bare shoulders.

I’d learned that all the guys ran their own little things, they just met together as a club. Jax, being the VP, usually knew more of what was going on than anybody, but all the guys were slightly unpredictable.

So Juice finished the pancakes and dished them up for us. We ate in silence until we were done and I excused myself to change clothes. After that task was completed, Juice rode us into the shop, parking in his normal spot before climbing off and helping me along. Juice held open one of the main doors for me and I waited until he was close to me to keep moving.

Chibs, Tig, Half Sack and Jax were sitting on stools at the bar. Chibs, Tig, and Sack were watching us while Jax was telling an animated story, his face directly away from us.

“Hey man.” Juice spoke up after the VP had finished his story.

“Hey.” Jax said, turning around to look at us.

I yelped. I hadn’t expected his face to… not look like his face. He wore his cut and hoodie like normal, despite the near 75 degree weather. But his face had been painted. There was a blue triangle above and below both eyes, a red circle on the tip of his nose, and red across his lips. He looked just like a clown.

“Man, you scared the crap out of me. Clowns are not cool.” I told him, putting my hand over my heart and trying to catch my breath.

“You like it?” Jax grinned, making him look slightly eerie.

“What’s with the makeup man? You got a new side job?” Juice joked with a smile.

Jax shook his head, standing up and coming over to me. “I wanted you to think about something else.”

I shook my head, his smile creeping me out a little still. “I don’t understand.”

Chibs stood up to come around behind me, setting his hands on my shoulders. “He gave ya somethin’ to see on his face other than yer past, lass.”

I could almost feel the light bulb click above my head. “You… painted your face so I wouldn’t see Danny anymore; I’d see you in clown makeup.”

Jax grinned like a fool. “Whatcha think, darlin’?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t actually believe him right now. “I don’t… I don’t know what to say.” I never would’ve thought of painting someone’s face so that was how I’d remember them. I couldn’t believe this small act of kindness. I could already feel the impact it was having. And he was right; I couldn’t see Danny’s face in his anymore. I just wanted to call him Jax the Clown.

“It helpin’?” He asked warily.

Tears sprang up in my eyes and I moved to hug him tightly. His arms wrapped around me, squeezing me into his leather and cotton, kissing the top of my head. “You’re the best.” I told him against his jacket.

“Just tryin’ to help, darlin’.” He told me quietly.

I nodded, pulling away from him to wipe my eyes. “You did. You really did.”

“But you’re crying.” He said, looking hurt.

I smiled, reaching for the stray water at the corner of my eyes. “It’s happy tears. I’m happy.”

Juice came around to my side, pulling me into a one armed hug while I could feel Chibs’ hand on my other shoulder. I felt protected, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like somebody cared. I looked around the room at the group of bikers. “Thank you. I mean it.” I said, looking at all of them.

They all grinned widely and I knew that even if I never went home again, these guys were my family now. It was the best family I’d ever had.


End file.
